the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Sober January is a disaster.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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