This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
