my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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