I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
