So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
