im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
