i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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