His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
