please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
