swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
