I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
