I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
