Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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