She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
