Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
