somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How does one acquire holy water?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
