OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
