Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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