I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
