Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
