Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Congratulations! We have a period
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
