she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
