I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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