I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
