I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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