Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
