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No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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