could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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