I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
