Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
