i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
