Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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