Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
