And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
