Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
