ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
wrigley field is MILF paradise
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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