I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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