I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
