MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Dignity is for republicans.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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