I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
