All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
