How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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