You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
