Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
