I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Alive.
So much puke
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
