I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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