By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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