Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
