Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
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