I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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