There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
